A Mother’s Prayer by Tina Fey

Oh, Tina Fey. You are so wonderfully funny and already know motherhood so well!

This is “A Mother’s Prayer” by Tina Fey.

First, Lord: No tattoos. May neither Chinese symbol for truth nor Winnie-the-Pooh holding the FSU logo stain her tender haunches.

May she be Beautiful but not Damaged, for it’s the Damage that draws the creepy soccer coach’s eye, not the the Beauty.

When the Crystal Meth is offered,

May she remember the parents who cut her grapes in half

And stick with Beer.

Guide her, protect her

When crossing the street, stepping onto boats, swimming in the ocean, swimming in pools, walking near pools, standing on the nearby subway platform, crossing 86th Street, stepping off of boats, using mall restrooms, getting on and off escalators, driving on country roads while arguing, leaning on large windows, walking in parking lots, riding Ferris wheels, roller-coasters, log flumes, or anything called “Hell Drop,” “Tower of Torture,” or “The Death Spiral Rock N’ Zero G Roll featuring Aerosmith,” and standing on any kind of balcony ever, anywhere, at any age.

Lead her away from Acting but not all the way to Finance.

Something where she can make her own hours but still feel intellectually fulfilled and get outside sometimes

And not have to wear high heels.

What would that be, Lord? Architecture? Midwifery? Golf course design? I’m asking You because if I knew, I’d be doing it, Youdammit.

May she play the Drums to the fiery rhythm of her Own Heart with the sinewy strength of her Own Arms, so she need Not Lie With Drummers.

Grant her a Rough Patch from twelve to seventeen.

Let her draw horses and be interested in Barbies for much too long,

For Childhood is short — a Tiger Flower blooming

Magenta for one day –

And Adulthood is long and Dry-Humping in Cars will wait.

O Lord, break the Internet forever,

That she may be spared the misspelled invective of her peers

And the online marketing campaign for Rape Hostel V: Girls Just Wanna Get Stabbed.

And when she one day turns on me and calls me a Bitch in front of Hollister,

Give me the strength, Lord, to yank her directly into a cab in front of her friends,

For I will not have that Shit. I will not have it.

And should she choose to be a Mother one day, be my eyes, Lord,

That I may see her, lying on a blanket on the floor at 4:50 a.m., all-at-once exhausted, bored, and in love with the little creature whose poop is leaking up its back.

“My mother did this for me once,” she will realize as she cleans feces off her baby’s neck.

“My mother did this for me.” And the delayed gratitude will wash over her as it does each generation and she will make a Mental note to call me. And she will forget.

But I’ll know, because I peeped it with Your God eyes.

Amen.

_______________

Tina, your humor allows mothers like myself to survive each day with a smile on my face.

You are my HERO.

Advertisements

Tagged: , , , , , ,

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Redesigned By M

DIY-er who loves to redesign, repurpose, and reorganize just about everything.

Fitness and Health Spot

just a student who enjoys health, nutrition, and fitness!

My Favourite Pastime

Food, Travel and Eating Out

Love. Bump. Life.

Making a Mommy out of Me

The Adventures of Fanny P.

...because life is just one big adventure...

First Time Mommy

Journey of a first time mother

The Knitting Neurotic

A great WordPress.com site

Game4Learning

Fun Learning Resouces for Kids

Megan Has OCD

About Mental Health, Daily Struggles, and Whatever Else Pops in My Head

Miss Marzipan

healthy • heartfelt • homemade

Mommy by day Crafter by night

Plain & Simple Parenting with an Extra Scoop of Sarcasm

Mommy's Kitchen - Recipes From my Texas Kitchen

Plain & Simple Parenting with an Extra Scoop of Sarcasm

Mom Always Finds Out

Notes by a MOM who doesn't know it all, but ALWAYS FINDS OUT about Family Life, Going Green, Organic & Natural Foods and Living, Coupons, Cloth Diapers, Books, Products, Giveaways, Recipes and More!

Moms & Munchkins

Plain & Simple Parenting with an Extra Scoop of Sarcasm

Mommy's Obsessions

Plain & Simple Parenting with an Extra Scoop of Sarcasm

Mom and Pop Culture

The trials and errors of the realistic parent

Scary Mommy

Plain & Simple Parenting with an Extra Scoop of Sarcasm

Finding Joy

Plain & Simple Parenting with an Extra Scoop of Sarcasm

MOM Plain & Simple

Plain & Simple Parenting with an Extra Scoop of Sarcasm

%d bloggers like this: